He Doesn’t Shy Away from my Brokenness

April 3, 2023

I was born into a family that “attended church.” We went when the doors were open because my dad was a deacon and my mom was in the choir and sometimes directed. So I was exposed to the gospel at a young age.  

When I was around 7, I prayed the prayer of faith and asked Jesus to come into my life and save me from my sins. I believe that is when I was genuinely saved, but there was much more that I needed to understand about my relationship with God. 

My parents decided to split up when I was 15. That meant the deacon and the choir director were getting divorced.  “Where is God in this?” I wondered. I felt like I couldn’t trust him.  After all, these were folks who were at church every time the doors were open. Why didn’t he keep this from happening?  So, I wandered away. I didn’t run–just kind of wandered. I found various ways to amuse myself, then I met my husband and got married.

I am a survivor of domestic abuse and violence which lasted more than 20 years. However, God is faithful. He never left me alone. He was never further away than a whispered prayer. He was in control and protected me and eventually my children, but that’s another story. 

God, in his divine providence, brought me back to the area in 2019, close enough to be there for my mom if she needed anything. As God would have it, the home that I was renting in the fall of 2021 had become a home also to a family of racoons. They would scratch and claw the floor, and the smell…..oh my, the smell! So I asked my mom if I could stay with her for a while so I could save enough money to get another place. She said, sure, as long as we have a set time frame, which was my intention anyway. 

Mom had two strokes on November 7, 2021 and passed away on December 31, 2021.  During that time, GOD SHOWED UP. He met me in ways that I cannot begin to describe, providing for me, comforting me, and showing me his great love for me. On one particular night, I was praying over my mom and I had a vision of Jesus on the cross. I heard him ask if I felt the tearing of losing my mom. Oh boy, could I feel it. And he reminded me of the tearing he felt when he turned his face away from his son as Jesus paid the price for my sins. I wept so loudly that I woke my mom. Tears streamed down my face–it was a mess. 

That moment is when I truly recognized the depth of God’s love for me, warts and all. I saw that it isn’t about me and what I do or don’t do. His love for me is based on the finished work of Jesus. That means he doesn’t shy away from the brokenness of who I am or what I’ve been through or even what I’ve done. He loves me with the same deep, undying love that he has for his own Son. It’s unbelievable and humbling, and I am so grateful. 

God walked me as gently as he could through the passing of my mom. He held me through it all. 

Who led me to Christ? God did. Scripture says that it is the love of God that leads us to repentance. This, I can say without a doubt, is what happened to me. I have many things in my past that left me feeling completely unloved, unwanted, and disregarded. God, in his divine mercy, has been there for me, every minute of every day of my life. He has protected me, fought for me, and redeemed me into his glory. I am a new creation in Christ Jesus, living in the presence of a God who absolutely LOVES me.  

Today, I know Jesus. I know that the Holy Spirit lives in me, and I am enjoying a wonderful and deep relationship with the living God. I am excited to see where God is leading me. He has a plan. I trust him.

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