Never Underestimate a Good Car Cry

February 3, 2025
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I can still picture the blurry trees and road as I sobbed the whole 50-minute drive home from church. (Probably not the safest thing to do.) If I were to pick the moment that sparked my desire to understand contentment in what God has given me, this would be it.

As I drove I cried out to the Lord, feeling lonely, utterly lonely. Life was hard, and I didn’t like it. I felt overwhelmed by college classes, separated from my friends, and yes, very single. Another two weeks loomed ahead of me trying to fill the hole left by my mom who was caring (along with my sister) for my dying cousin. No way could I burden them with my pathetic complaints. I was blind to all of life’s blessings and life wasn’t going the way I had envisioned. (Depression anyone?)

Most of all, I felt abandoned by God. I couldn’t feel his love; I wasn’t comforted. Was God playing a game, trying to teach me some life lesson, or just being cruel? I couldn’t see how this was kind, let alone good, for anyone. I had done all the things I was supposed to. I had been a good Christian for almost 20 years. Now it was his turn to “work all things together” and give me what I wanted. But all I felt was silence. Was he even there? Were we all believing some mass delusion? Could I even trust there was a God? How could I be asking these questions?

It would be fun to say, “That day my life was filled with joy! I turned to Jesus’s arms and felt his love wash over me!” 

Nope.

That was one of many “car cries” and moments of terrible doubt that followed. It was a long season of feeling abandoned by God’s care, very lonely, and useless. For a time my only prayer was, “Hold on to me, God.”

Nonetheless, that day was a step, a very small one. By God’s grace, I started pursuing those hard questions and doubts instead of denying that I had them (even to myself).

I started looking at what I truly believed about God’s character and began adjusting it to be biblical instead of cultural. 

What was the truth? For me to believe God was real, trustworthy, and kind, I repeatedly had to go back to the beginning and walk myself through creation, the reliability of Scripture, and what the Bible says about who God is. It was as if I were building a tower of blocks that kept getting toppled by a naughty toddler. The Lord brought me back over concepts like: Do I trust him? Is he kind? Does he listen? Is he enough? 

It wasn’t pretty. There were highs and lows. There were days of seeking him and days of not reading my Bible at all, days of faith and days of doubt. I had to ask myself whether I was taking in God’s Word to shape my life and thoughts or to ever so subtly shape his Word to fit my desires.

God never promised life was going to be pleasant and easy. In fact, in James 1:2 he says, “…when we meet trials of various kinds” not if, but when. Look at Job and all the Lord allowed to befall him. And yet God remained good. He is faithful. He is God and I am not. 

To this day, it’s God who continues to inch me toward understanding the truth. He has used book studies, friends, prayer, church, family, testimonies, and his living, breathing Word. Without the questions and heartache, how would I have been driven to seek him and know more of him? Would I be able to say, “Yes, he has kept hold of me”? I’m grateful that through this trial, I now have better armor against the darts of doubt flung by the devil. I can truly say, “He is real. He is good. He is trustworthy. He is kind.”

Contentment is a lifelong pursuit. Am I always filled with it? No, but I have God’s Word and the testimony of his faithfulness. I’m not at Paul’s level in Philippians 4:11 where he declares that he’s learned to be content in every situation, but oh how I want to be! My desire is to know Christ more and to live in his service with passionate peace. 

The truth always comes from the creator of all things, the one who cares for us with minute detail. I resonate with Peter’s reply in John 6:67-69: “So Jesus said to the twelve, ‘Do you want to go away as well?’ Simon Peter answered him, ‘Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.’”

When next you have a “car cry,” join me in endeavoring to use it as a platform to press into the Word of God and seek the truth. He has the words of eternal life. 

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