{Autumn with her husband and two sons}
Knowing the reason that challenging things happen in my life has always been important to me–maybe a little too important! But God is teaching me to trust him, even when I don’t understand what he is doing. I dealt with three specific trials in the past several years that have shaken, then rebuilt, my faith in the goodness and providence of God. Though I still struggle, the Lord has been faithful to reveal himself to me in powerful ways.
This first trial came in nursing school when I needed to retake classes. I wondered, “Why am I not smart enough to get above a C when I’m trying my hardest?” I then struggled to pass my boards exam, asking again, ”Why is my career being delayed because of a test?” After finally passing my boards, I struggled to land my first job in the nursing field. Twelve interviews later, I got my first job as a registered nurse. It was difficult to trust God after receiving rejection after rejection. I wondered why God allowed this and what he was trying to teach me. I doubted. Then, the job I waited so long for–working the night shift in the surgical/trauma unit in Wilmington–was a terrible fit for me! I realized I was not cut out for the night shift, and work challenges began spilling into other parts of my life. I continued to question God.
The second trial was my diagnosis of De Quervain’s Tenosynovitis in both wrists when my oldest son was just four months old. It’s basically swelling around the tendon that connects my thumb to my wrist, making any movement of my wrist or thumb excruciatingly painful. (Imagine attempting to take care of an infant while pregnant with little to no use of your thumbs.) This came on the heels of the trials in my nursing career and left me feeling helpless. I immediately began questioning God’s purpose in this trial. “How was I to take care of my child and soon another newborn without the use of my hands?” I eventually required surgery halfway through my second pregnancy. In a time when I had expected to be independent and strong in myself, God brought me to a place of dependence on him. I needed him to be strong for me, and he was.
The third trial is ongoing. I have two very emotional boys fifteen months apart. We had an extremely challenging first year of life with our second son, Lincoln, who cried incessantly, posed terrible feeding issues, and suffered from reflux. Here I again found myself questioning God’s purpose for this season of motherhood. “Why are these two boys both so emotional? Why did God’s timing allow them to be so close together?” Prior to becoming a mother, I actually considered myself to be a pretty patient person. Writing that now makes me laugh!
I have elaborated on these trials so I can share a foundational truth that has been bedrock throughout my struggles and questions. God is good. All. The. Time. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 says, “For our momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” I can trust this truth even when I don’t understand the reason for my “momentary affliction,” and I am already beginning to see hints of what God is teaching me. I’ve been learning to forsake my independence and lean on others in vulnerability, and ultimately lean on Christ.
Earlier in 2 Corinthians 4 Paul says, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” I have felt afflicted with my diagnosis, perplexed by my son’s emotions, and struck down by challenging tests and rejections from employers, but I have not been crushed, forsaken, or destroyed. I have been made alive in Christ Jesus, and it is through his death and resurrection that I experience joy despite my circumstances. Whatever else God may be doing, a primary purpose for my suffering and yours is to make the Lord’s name great. This may not be easily understood in the midst of trials, but we can rest in this bedrock truth.
