{Pictured is Lily with her husband Jeff}
My husband Jeff and I had the privilege to be in a marriage course with a few other couples with Jim and Trish Donohue in the last year. This course was such a great reminder that in every marriage there are two sinners and one great savior. Pursuing a godly marriage is hard because we all fall short, we are all selfish with our preferences and expectations, and we can all easily slip into sinful mindsets and habits with our spouses. But marriage is an ongoing relationship and a beautiful union with Christ that we need to keep pursuing and not let slide to the back burner.
Two things from this study stuck with me and will by God’s grace continue to impact my marriage. One is that we need to set aside selfishness and not expect that our spouse should serve us or meet our every expectation and need. As a wife, a working woman, and stay-at-home mom, I often feel like Jeff should be there to serve me when his work day is finally done. My first thought is about what he can do for me instead of how I can be a blessing to him and go out of my way to make him feel loved without expecting something in return.
God calls us to love with patience and with kindness and to keep no records of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:4). I know I am quick to point out Jeff’s flaws, his past sins, and all the problems I have with him and how they should be fixed. Thankfully God never views us in that way.
Timothy Keller’s book The Meaning of Marriage says, “The Christian principle that needs to be at work is Spirit-generated selflessness—not thinking less of yourself or more of yourself but thinking of yourself less. It means taking your mind off yourself and realizing that in Christ your needs are going to be met and are, in fact, being met so that you don’t look at your spouse as your savior.” Jesus is the perfect example of selflessness when he hung on the cross for each one of our sins. We can stand at the foot of the cross and trust that he will give us the grace we need to go against the culture of a me-focused marriage. Our husbands shouldn’t be a place to dump all our complaints from the day, but a place of sacrificial love and thankfulness.
The second thing that resonated with me was considering what would your spouse look like without sin patterns, without fear, and without past hurt? Who has God intended you and your spouse to be, and what will we look like in heaven? I’m so quick to mold Jeff into my own preferences and habits, and I don’t always appreciate that God created him with his own desires and thoughts that can bring God glory while also benefiting our marriage. We should want and help our husbands to grow more into God’s image and not our own. I’m very quick to correct my husband but don’t like being corrected because of my own self righteousness and pride. I’m both refreshed and challenged that we can speak truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), we can spur one another on, fight our sin together, and help each other grow into the person God has created us to be. Over time, by the grace of God, we will be refined to be more spiritually beautiful.
As cheesy as it sounds, we really do need to keep dating our spouses. We will never regret intentionality with our husbands, serving our husbands, praying for our husbands and encouraging our husbands. God is so kind to meet us in our weaknesses, our faults, and our fears. There are so many areas where we can trust, pray, and be faithful to be like Christ and follow his example in loving our spouses. My prayer is that we can learn to love our spouses like Paul says in Galatians 5:13 and Ephesians 5:25-29.
God is faithful to meet you in your marriage wherever you are right now. Whether you have been married for a month or over 20 or 30 years, God is eager to meet you and has a purpose for you and your marriage.
